TAUGHT TO BE TAUT
In second grade
as I was learning
to write in cursive—
learning to make
all those loops and swirls
inside of those very narrow
parameters, between
the parallel lines
and over and under
the dashes in the middle
on that very thin beige paper
that could so easily tear—
during this time
I was having
a hard time sitting
still in my very cramped
and uncomfortable
wooden desk. I had long
bleach-blond hair then
from all the time I spent
in the over-chlorinated
pool in my backyard.
When I looked down
to do my work
at my school desk
my hair got in my eyes.
I developed the habit
of quickly whipping
my head back,
to get the blond strands
and curls out
of my face. I did this
incessantly. Something about
the longness of my hair
and the flipping motion
had me feel cool. Special.
I had something that
no one else had.
This little tic of mine, though,
annoyed my teacher to no end.
Also, during this time
and in preparation for the holidays,
we were learning about crafts.
One of the volunteer-mothers
would come in weekly,
leading up to Christmas,
to teach us how to do macramé,
how to make very tight knots
with straight hard white twine
that hung down
from the dowel
they were tied to,
that we were given.
During this time,
with the help of my teacher
and the volunteer-mother,
I learned that I was hyper-active,
spastic they said.
I was taught that that was
who I was.
And so, because I was
that kind of child
I was put on Ritalin.
During this time, I also
learned to teach myself
how to curtail my behavior.
I learned to tie knots
inside myself, so I would
fit more easily, docilely,
you might say, within
the lines that were
being laid out before me.
I learned to lean and loop
myself into patterns
more befitting a boy
my age and grade.
Patterns that would
follow the script of
conformity and decorum
within a classroom setting,
that in no way nutured nature.
Patterns that are still at play today
that I am only beginning to
erase and dismantle,
so that I may wade back into
the waters of who I once was
before somebody else's design
replaced my own and
my signature style.
